The Farmer and the Cowman Should Go Fly A Kite
by PeaceLoveAndCheese
Summary: This was written for my friend Richard's birthday. He played Curly in Oklahoma and love, but there isn't a category for that... anyway! If you don't like people making fun of things (coughmostofthecontentofthisstorycough) then you probably shouldn't read. Rated T for extremely minor language.


The Farmer and the Cowman Should Go Fly a Kite

(Or Why Oklahoma is the Most Screwed-Up Musical Ever)

Normal people don't go singing about how the universe is somehow going to make their lives fortune-cookie perfect at seven in the morning. Especially on a horse. In a cornfield. While going to a girl's house.

The poor, poor horse.

Normal people also aren't usually named after an adjective commonly used to describe hair.

Curly McLain was not a normal person.

"_Oh what a beautiful morning!_" Curly sang as his horse meandered through the fields slowly enough so Curly wouldn't be out of breath from too much exercise while singing. While _still _looking sexy (in his eyes, anyway) enough so that the audience wouldn't run out of the theater within the first five seconds. "_All the cattle are standing like statues! They don't turn their heads as they see me ride by! But a little brown maverick is winkin' her eye!_"

Actually, the poor traumatized cow was running away as fast as her legs would carry her. She had dealt with Curly once before. Two words: never again.

Curly arrived at his destination after another refraining chorus. He jumped off of his horse and sang around to the other side of the house. "Hi Aunt Eller!"

An old lady in a rocking chair jumped. "Curly! What you coming 'round here for, scaring me half to death!"

Curly merely laughed. "I've come to sing to you!" He started belting out another chorus of "Oh What A Beautiful Morning."

Aunt Eller groaned and placed her head in her hands. Curly didn't notice and kept singing. When he finally finished and turned back, Aunt Eller was sitting up and smiling politely.

"If I wasn't an ole woman and you weren't so young and smart alecky, I'd marry ya so ya'ed sit around and sing to me every night!" Aunt Eller said, knowing full well that Curly's ego was too big to take that comment without some sort of retort.

She got it.

"Well, I wouldn't marry you nor none o' yer kinfolk!"

Aunt Eller rolled her eyes while Curly slicked his hair back. "Oh, none o' my kinfolk, huh?"

Curly shook his head, pleased with himself.

Just then, Laurey opened the door and stepped out onto the porch, somehow singing the same song we all thought that Curly only knew. She looked at Curly with disdain. "Oh, I thought you was somebody."

Curly look insulted. "I am somebody!"

"Shhh!" Rodgers hissed. "That's not in the script!"

Curly sighed and took off his hat. "I'm sorry, but your script is lame."

"Lame!" Hammerstein said in a slightly strange British accent. "How dare you insult our masterpiece, sir! How dare you!"

"If you're so smart, you curly-headed cowboy," Rodgers sniffed, "Then you write your own blasted musical and put it on! I QUIT!"

"Rodgers, old chap!" Hammerstein said, panicked. "Rodgers, come back here, old boy!" Rodgers had already stomped out. Hammerstein glared at Curly. "You have two hours, Mr. McLain. Then the producers will be here! Your job is on the line!" He swept the cape that had suddenly appeared on his shoulders around his feet and made off after his friend, calling over his shoulder, "Good luck to you, SIR!"

The door slammed shut.

Aunt Eller, Laurey and the rest of the cast, who had piled out onto the stage, glared at Curly. "WHAT DID YOU DO?"

Curly grinned sheepishly. "Oops?"

Aunt Eller sighed. "What are we going to do now?"

"We need help," Laurey said.

"Well!" Curly exclaimed. "Since I am obviously the best in our company here, I elect myself to write this and direct it to success!"

All hell broke loose.

"WHY SHOULD YOU WRITE IT?"

"YOU'RE NOT SO GREAT CURLY!"

"I'VE LEARNED A THING OR TWO!"

"AND IF A GIRL IS WISE-"

"CURLY!"

Curly looked up just in time to see a woman fall onto his head. He grunted and fell over.

"Oh, sorry about that!" a woman's voice exclaimed cheerily.

Curly got back up, rubbing his head. In front of him was a woman in a Victorian dress, holding a large bag and an umbrella with a parrot's head.

"Who are you?"

"Why, I'm practically perfect in every way!" the woman said. "Oh, sorry, I mean, I'm Mary Poppins!"

"Mary Poppins?"

"Yes! I believe you need help and I'm here to offer my services."

"Your... service?"

"Yes! I'm a nanny!"

"A nanny..." Curly said slowly, rubbing his head and wondering if he had gotten hit in the head harder than he had thought.

Mary nodded and reached into her bag. "I received your advertisement and came to apply for the position spit-spot!" she said, pulling out a paper.

Curly took the paper Mary held out to him. "If you want this choice position," he read, "Have a cheery disposition. Rosy cheeks, play games, bring sweets... wait, I never wrote this."

"Nevertheless, I received it and came to apply for the position. Now, where is the child?"

Aunt Eller shook her head. "There is no child here."

"Nonsense!" Mary said. "Everywhere there is a child! And it needs to be fed or changed or entertained or taught or bathed or-"

"Lady, this is a professional Broadway performance! There are no... _small things_ here!" Will said snootily.

Mary happily ignored him. "Come! It's time to play tidy up the nursery!"

"We don't have a nursery-" Ado Annie started, but was cut off as Mary grabbed her by the wrist and dragged her around the stage, singing about spoonfuls of sugar while twirling about. She spun Ado Annie a few times before flinging her into a set piece of a house. Will rushed over to help her.

Mary clapped her hands together. "Snap! The job's a game!" She snapped her fingers and props started flying across the stage. "Come on, Jud, we have to tidy the nursery! Snap your fingers!"

Jud looked bewildered. "I... um..." Mary glared at him between trills with a random bird that had suddenly flew into the theater. Jud gulped and snapped his fingers. A basket and a plastic knife flew across the room, hitting Joe in the head.

"How'd you do that?" Curly asked, rushing over and grabbing Jud's hand.

"I don't know…" Jud said, confused.

"Curly, the lady's a witch!" Cord Elam exclaimed, shaking her fist at the singing Mary.

Curly nodded. "Okay, um… Laurey and I will take care of Mary. The rest of you can write-" The rest of Curly's sentence was cut off when Mary finished singing and opened her bag.

"It's time for an outing! Spit-spot!" She called, digging through her bag and pulling out a hat and traveling cloak.

Curly glanced at Laurey and stepped over to Mary. "Look, woman, we have work to do, so if you could please leave us alone-"

"Nonsense!" Mary exclaimed gleefully. "Everyone loves an outing! Come along, children, let's go! No time to waste!"

The cast of _Oklahoma! _glanced around at each other and, falling into a line behind her as Mary high-stepped her way out of the theater.

Usually, the good people of New York City were not surprised to see unusual things coming down the street, but when a ragtag band of cowboys and farmers following a Victorian woman like a chain of ducklings are in the midst of the busy streets, people stop and stare.

"I think it's time to pay a visit to my good friend Bert!" Mary said, skipping, albeit properly, down the street.

Curly looked at the people behind him and made the crazy sign with his finger.

Mary glanced behind her. "Why, where is the child?"

"We told you already, ya daft woman! There is no child!" Aunt Eller said, exasperated.

"Oh, I had hope that she could come," Mary said, speaking of the unknown child and ignoring Aunt Eller. "We'll have to make do. Come now!" Mary brought them to a street corner and looked around. "Ah! There's Bert now!"

"Why Mary Poppins, as I live and breathe!" a man dressed in a suit and carrying a briefcase said, raising his monocle higher as to see better.

"Who are you?" Curly asked.

"I'm a man of many trades and today I'm a businessman!" Bert said, twirling around in a fashion similar to Mary's.

"Well, they're two peas in a pod, aren't they," Laurey whispered to Ado Annie, who nodded and clutched Will's arm.

Curly turned to look for Mary and found that Bert had her up against the street light, kissing like there was no tomorrow.

"Hey!" Curly shouted. Mary and Bert broke apart. Mary smoothed her skirt down primly while Bert grinned merrily at the rest of them.

"We're on an outing today, Bert!" Mary told him.

"Splendid! I know just the thing! Earlier I was an artist! Would you like to see some of me artwork?" Bert said, already starting in the other direction.

"Anything's better than watching you two make out," Aunt Eller muttered. Mary clapped her hands and linked arms with Bert. Everyone else rolled their eyes and started off after them.

Bert led them across the street to an art museum. He stepped jauntily up the steps and into the museum.

"An artist?" Jud asked. "Like... an actual, legitimate, _professional_ artist?"

Bert looked at him strangely. "Yes... why?"

"Because you're a few cows short of a barn, that's why," Laurey said, rolling her eyes.

Bert somehow got them all past the front desk and into the heart of the museum. He led them all up to a lovely painting of the English countryside.

"You know... that's actually not bad," Jud said, studying the painting. "Why don't you just do this full time?" He turned to Bert, but Bert was again playing tonsil hockey with Mary in the middle of the museum. He cleared his throat and Bert turned. "Care to answer my question?"

Bert scoffed. "And miss out of all the other jobs I could do? Oh, please, my dear fellow! I wouldn't give that up for anything!" He started twirling Mary around the museum singing "Chim Chim Cheree". The other people in the museum quickly vacated the area.

Suddenly, Bert stopped singing. "I know! Everybody hold hands!"

"Excuse me?"

Bert ran over and grabbed Curly and Laurey's hands. "On the count of three, we're all going to jump into this painting of the English countryside. One, two, THREE!"

Bert jumped.

Unsurprisingly, nothing happened.

"Oh," Bert said, looking disappointed.

"Oh, Bert, you're so silly," Mary said. "You should know by now that's not the correct way to do it. Allow me." She stepped over to them and grabbed Laurey's other hand. Everyone else was hesitant to get into line, but she glared at them all and they all found their hands stuck together.

"Will! Get me out of here!" Ado Annie screamed, shaking her hand up and down to try and get rid of Mary at the other end.

"One, two, three!" Mary counted and she and Bert jumped.

Everyone gasped as they suddenly found themselves in the painting of the English countryside.

"Oooooh! It's a jolly holiday with Mary, Mary makes your heart so light!" Bert sang happily, somehow dressed in a striped suit with a matching hat. Mary was wearing a white dress and carried a lacy umbrella.

"Or gives you heartburn," Aunt Eller panted, her hand on her chest. "I'm not sure how much more of this two I can stomach."

"It's decided, they're definitely witches," Cord Elam said with a nod. Numerous people told him to shut up.

"Well, be them witches or not, we need them to get back to our reality," Curly said. He watched Mary and Bert skip down the road singing until they were over the hill, accompanied by the carousel music in the background.

The rest of the cast brushed themselves off and headed down to the carousel down the hill, while waiting for Mary and Bert to catch up with them.

The carousel, sadly, had only four horses on it, so most of the cast of _Oklahoma! _was just sitting on the ground or the edge of the carousel.

"Where do you think they are?" Laurey asked Curly, sitting on an orange carousel horse she had claimed for herself.

"I dunno, either singing and dancing around the countryside or mounting each other and making out in middle of the road," Curly said, running a hand through his hair. His ears picked up the sounds of Bert singing "Jolly Holiday" in the distance. "Okay, singing and dancing then. Although kissing can't be far off."

Finally, Mary and Bert appeared over the top of the hill. Bert spun Mary around and watched as a bouquet of flowers turned into butterflies.

"WITCHCRAFT!" Cord Elam screamed, pointing.

"Shut yer face!" Carnes said, annoyed.

"Oh, look Bert!" Mary exclaimed. "A cute little carousel!"

"You're a queer one, Julie Jordan!" Bert agreed.

"Fabulous night for a clam bake!" Mary told him.

"And we all had a real nice time!" Bert replied.

"I didn't," Ali Hackam grumbled.

"Yep, nutters," Laurey said.

"Oh driver!" Mary called. "We'd like a ride!"

A wooden door opened in the cartoon merry-go-round. "As you wish, Mary Poppins!" a little man said. The merry-go-round started to turn. The girls screamed and fell off.

Curly quickly went and mounted the horse that wasn't otherwise occupied by Bert, Mary or Laurey.

"Well, this is boring," Mary decided after a few minutes of going round and round. "Driver, if you please?"

"Anything for you, Mary Poppins!" The little man threw a lever.

Laurey screamed as suddenly, her horse popped out of it's place on the carousel and started off by itself.

"Whoa!" Curly shouted.

Mary laughed... merrily.

Bert started acting like some sort of cowboy.

The rest of _Oklahoma!_ shouted and ran after the quickly disappearing Bert, Mary, Curly and Laurey.

"TALLY HO!"

"Oh!" Laurey screamed. "Sack this nanny Curly! I don't like her!"

"I intend to!" Curly shouted back. "Are we in the middle of a fox hunt?"

"Yes!" Bert laughed, veering off course after the fox.

Mary shook her head and continued onwards as her horse jumped the fence. Laurey screamed as hers did the same, while Curly grabbed his hat. They landed, of course, in the middle of a horserace.

Laurey and Curly both screamed as their horses went into turbo overdrive and sped down the track. The men on the horses tipped their hats to Laurey.

"I'M ON A BLEEDING MERRY-GO-ROUND HORSE, DON'T YOU EVEN CARE?!" Laurey screamed at them.

Mary was way ahead of them, at the head. Laurey and Curly watched as Mary sped ahead of them and won the horserace.

The both of them practically fell off of their horses when they finally stopped. Bert's horse jumped over the fence and stopped next to them.

"Take us home!" Laurey shouted at Mary. Mary happily ignored her and accepted a bouquet of flowers from some impressed cartoon judges.

"There must be no words to describe how you feel!" A cartoon news reporter said to Mary.

"On the contrary, there's a perfectly good word!" Mary said.

"Yeah, crazy," Laurey whispered to Curly.

They looked at Mary strangely when she plunked her hat down on her wooden horse's head and started singing about a made-up word that would probably take up at least half of a dictionary. Bert ran over and joined in.

"Enough with the singing and dancing already!" Laurey groaned.

"Which is kind of ironic, seeing as we're also in a musical..." Curly mused.

Just then, the rest of the cast caught up with them.

"What are they doing?" Will asked.

Curly jumped up. "It's a fake word nobody's heard of!" he sang, "It's a silly word but I'm singing it anyway!"

Everyone rolled their eyes.

"Hey, Poppins!" Jud called. "Can you take us home?"

Suddenly, it started pouring rain out of nowhere, even though the sky was still sunny and bright. Everyone watched in shock as the colors faded and blurred.

They found themselves back in the museum, where someone had decided it would be a good idea to wash everything with a hose.

"Oh, Bert, your lovely painting," Mary said.

"Thank God," Ado Annie said.

"Don't worry, lot's more where that came from!" Bert said, not downtrodden in the least. "But that'll have to wait. Got me more jobs to do!"

"What are you going to do now?"

"Mmm..." Bert looked at the sky. "Weather like this, perfect for being a prostitute."

"Excuse me?"

"Yup!" Bert said, doffing his cap. "So I'll be bidding you goodbye!"

They watched Mary, expecting her to be snogging Bert's brains out again, but she simply walked off and out of the museum.

"I'll be seeing you around, I expect!" Bert said.

"I hope not," Laurey whispered.

"Chim Chim-iney Chim Chim-iney Chim Chim Cheree! Gonna wear me a dress and be a drag queen! Chim Chim-iney Chim Chim-iney Chim Chim Cheroo! Gonna get me mean tights and some perky fake boobs! So hear I come homos to tease and please you!" Bert sang as he made his way out of the museum, scarring little children on his way.

Curly shook his head. "Let's get back to the theater before Mary gets there." Everyone nodded in agreement and ran out of the museum and back down the street. Mary was nowhere in sight.

When they got back to the theater, however, something even worse was waiting for them: the producers.

"Well, what have you got for us?"

"Um... please sit down and we'll be ready in a moment,' Curly said. He whispered to the rest of the cast, "Okay, we're just going to have to improvise this one..."

And because of Mary Poppins, Curly's slight ego and the impressive skills of one secretary with a typewriter, _Oklahoma! _ended up as a large mess of songs and dances that unfortunate high schoolers have to put on today.

THE

END


End file.
